I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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