oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
