Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
