you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
