seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
