She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
