why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
