Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
