its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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