just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize