So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
