Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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