Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
