I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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