alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
