i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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