I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
