My hand turned me down
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
