my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
