Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
