if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
