What did we do last night that was yellow?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
time to smoke my breakfast
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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