I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
