i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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