I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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