Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
