woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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