Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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