I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
