this just has baby written all over it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
