Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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