i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
