i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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