it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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