You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
