a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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