if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
