I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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