I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I will pee on everything he values.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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