Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
