There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you win again, gameday.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
