If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
