I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
