Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
