we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
