The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
there is glitter all over my balls
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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