After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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