I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
