I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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