I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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