Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
