I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
